Change is Inevitable but Will It Happen to You or Through You?

I have been to yoga for five days in a row now… A while back I would have been asking Xavier for a gold star.

Now, I must do it just for me.
I have been having panic attacks and belly pain.
The fatigue was becoming normal again.

One panic attack sent me to the ER…My pulse was racing in an unusual fashion.
I was sweaty, nauseous, and the pain
in my chest was becoming unbearable

It woke me at 4 a.m.
My western mind was racing,
trying to find a diagnosis.
Heart attack, Addison’s low steroids…
Only briefly did it consider stress
and a disconnection within me

At 10 a.m. I called an Uber.
The doc in the ER was examining me
and the book, ‘Til Health Do Us Part, came up.
I was at UCSF where I had been treated before
when I was sick.
So he had all of my old medical history

He was asking how I had gotten off all the medication
and agreed when I suggested
western medicine may not be
the best sole approach to chronic illness.

Even as we were talking
I became aware of my body,
the tension I was holding.
With his validation
I began to feel the stress levels dropping

In yoga today I could no longer hold the poses
As I once did.
I was drenched in sweat.

But at the end
as I laid in shavasana,
I realized I had slipped back
nto my western mind.

I had solved the problem
and was off all the prescription drugs
So I could somehow convince myself that
ot eating regularly
(even though what I ate was healthy),
walking the dog,
and showing up to yoga a couple of times a month…
was enough.

I had somehow, in the stress of publishing the book
and living life in general
Disconnected.

I let my fear of change rule.
Funny, wasn’t I the one who said
“Change is inevitable but it can happen to you or through you?”

Through me is a lot less painful.
I have all my life disliked routine,
but now I see its importance.
It keeps me grounded in my self-care.

Routines help develop a trust with my body
So it doesn’t have to panic.
The rituals help keep me present and grounded

Tomorrow:
Oatmeal for breakfast
(which I usually skip)
acupuncture at 1 pm
and yoga at 4:30 pm.

My body doesn’t have to panic
to get my attention any more
We have been spending a lot more
quality time together.

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1 thought on “Change is Inevitable but Will It Happen to You or Through You?”

  1. Hi Julie,
    So good to hear about what is going on with you! You have learned so much about how to deal with stress and it is wonderful that you are sharing this with so many with your book.
    Love you,
    Linda (BOHART) Thurlow

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